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”Knowing this, that the trying of your faith works patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that you may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing” (Holy Bible, James 1:3-4, NIV Translation).

Waiting exercises my patience. It’s often unpleasant exercise to me, because in many ways I see myself as the center of my world. I wonder why God doesn’t pave the way for me with rose petals and smooth trails.

I’ve read Psalm 23, “The Lord is my shepherd . . . makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.”

Yet, I feel a persistent sense of anxiousness. If God is leading me beside quiet waters, doesn’t that mean He is guiding me to a place of calm and peace? If I don’t feel at peace, what does that mean? What are the green pastures? Doesn’t that mean that I’ll have plenty, and more to spare? What does it mean that he restores my soul? How long have I felt discouraged and defeated? Shouldn’t I be able to get some restoration just by asking? You know, “Uh, God, um. . . . reset my soul please.”

It would be like a video game. You know the kind where you’re firing at enemy ships or something. Every time they hit you, you loose health points, and if you go down to zero you die. Every so often a little flashing thing comes along that you touch and it gives you back some of your health points. Isn’t that what it should be like with the whole soul restoration business?

I’m missing a few things. The Lord is my shepherd and I am the sheep. Check this, the sheep are stupid, the shepherd is highly skilled and smart. The 23rd Psalm was written by a shepherd in the Palestinian region of the world. He would have had to lead the sheep through barren areas to get to from green pasture to green pasture. The shepherd knew where the best pastures where and the best way through the barren wastes to get to them. I guess I could stop right there for today, because that bit is rich with cool stuff.

Put yourself in the sheep’s place for a second. Your in a grassy area, but the lush tall grasses are running short. The shepherd urges you toward a small cleft in a rocky cliff that leads through a desert ravine. The shepherd calls, and you go. You follow the shepherd through arid places, through ravines, up embankments, and across difficult terrain. All around you there is nothing green. No water. Nothing to sustain life, but you follow anyway. Why? Because the sheep know the shepherd. The sheep know the shepherds voice, and it is natural for them to follow their shepherd. There is a natural trust.

In the Bible, Jesus called himself the good shepherd, and also said that his sheep know his voice when he calls. I’m a little different than a regular sheep in that I want to pick out my own path. Yet, I don’t have the wisdom and foresight of the shepherd to go it on my own. Just like regular sheep, when I go my own way, I go astray. So, here I am trudging through a desert complaining that God was supposed to provide a green pasture. I know better! This aint no green pasture it’s a desert. What I don’t understand nor can I foresee is that it is necessary to traverse the arid wastes in order to enter into the lush grass land oasis.

So this brings me back to waiting and patience. When circumstances or situations in life don’t make sense or I need help, I pray about it. I look to God to take me to the answer. Often I see no change in my circumstances or things may seem to get worse. I have a choice to work at continuing to trust God despite what I can see or to despair and lash out at God. It’s a daily decision or sometimes an hourly decision to say, “God, I don’t get what’s going on! I don’t like it, but I know that you keep your promises. I know that you are looking out for my best, and guiding me along. Please help me to trust you and follow your lead.” That moment-by-moment decision to trust even when God is making you wait is what builds patience and exercises your spiritual muscles.

Later,

Adam
http://www.sojournband.com/

Seasons Part 1 - Journey Continues

My band Sojourn has just started playing out with our new drummer, and we’re “touring” our new CD “The Journey Continues”. It’s available at our web page www.sojournband.com

Here’s a peak into the title cut.


SEASONS
by Sojourn © 2004

Eb and flow
Seasons
Each in turn
Blessings and trials
Bound together
Pave the road ahead

The journey continues
If I see to the journey's end
Life would be so easy
But then would I need faith?

As seasons go
I grow
More through
The effort to believe
So much remains unseen
But I take a step
Suprised where it takes me

When I was in college I read a book by Daniel J. Levinson called "The Seasons of a Man's Life" I can't say that I remember know the majority of the content, but the main premise of the book is that as a man goes through the years of his life, there are seasons.

Each season represents the expectations, desires, and reactions typical for a person of a particular age.

Well last year, Dean (guitar) started playing something kind of gentle and sweet The drums and bass caught on to the groove, and everyone seemed to like it.

Everyone looked to me for lyrics. Often when the guys come up with the elements of a song, the song itself suggests some lyrics to me. That's the way it was with This Is The Way for example. This time, however, I had nothing. I was absolutely dry. I told the guys that if they wanted lyrics for the song, I had to have help this time.

Denny and Tim said to make it something about the seasons changing. Right then it clicked in my head. Almost in a moment the lyrics came to me.

It was cool.

Another interesting thing was that the title of the song, “The Journey Continues”, had been suggested months earlier as the name of our new CD. We decided that we liked the name, and didn't feel that the name of the CD had to match a song on the CD. Yet the name of the CD fit right into the new song to make a title cut anyway.

It was cool.

The lyrics may not seem like much, but they bear a great deal on my own life. I'll try and give you a peak inside my head and heart and what lead to this song. Lyrics never come out of nowhere. They nearly always are coming out of thoughts and struggles that I have been having for a while.

Later.

Adam

Road Report 24-Feb-06 Essential Bean, Caledonia, MI

Essential Bean is a comfy place to play, and I always enjoy myself there. Tim has made some improvements to the sound system so we've been able to dial in the room and get a clear and crisp mix. Was happy to see a number of friends show up for what is essentially the first perfromence of the new Sojourn.

I feel like there is a fresh wind of creativity since John, our new drummer, joined the band. We fired through almost two hours of music with a break in the middle. I haven't done a set that long in months, and between recording and starting a new drummer, we haven't had a live show ina while.

So I was just psyched going up there tonight, and I think it was a great set.

Hope you all enjoyed it.

Adam
www.sojournband.com

Waiting for me to Arrive

I used to think . . . o.k. I still fight these kinds of thoughts. So, sometimes I still think that at some point, I’ll learn enough about the world around me that life will make more sense. There must be some point where I can take all changes in stride and make the best decisions. If I can amass enough data, it would seem possible.

I’m very autistic in that regard. Actually, I really am Asperger, but that’s another story.

I struggle with ambivalence in my life. I want life to be filled with definites, and solvable problems. O.K., so no duh on this one. Life is a series of curved shapes that somewhat blend into each other, and unless you’re graduating from school or quitting a job, one situation often doesn’t quite end before another one sort of starts.

Take self doubt for an example. I really got twisted up in my brain in junior high. Basically trash talked myself into the ground. It took a long time to work out if thinking very poorly of myself. But, hey! That was a long time ago, right? And not too long ago. And recently. It’s the whole onion thing. I thought that I had gotten past thinking that I was a failure and doubting everything that I did, until a new situation in life comes around and I have to start over. I build my confidence up at work and am getting close to feeling like I might be conquering that one when something happens at church that brings that self doubt monster roaring out again at church. It could be several different some things. I’m preaching more at church these days, and I’m starting to feel a little more confident dong that, but not completely yet. I still feel compelled to ask my wife a couple times, “Did it stink?”, and then later “So would you say that my preaching was o.k.?”

So I’m not completely confident as a preacher yet. So, in Sunday school I need a musician to help with singing and can’t find any, so I start playing keyboard while I lead the singing. I’m doing o.k., but I must be crazy to try that. Then I decide to write a song to help the kids memorize the 23rd Psalm. I have to force myself to NOT ask the kids, “Hey, is the awful or o.k.”

I am getting better at self doubt, but as long as I’m willing to risk failure, constantly trying new things, and facing/ignoring my fears, I will never arrive at perfect confidence. It’s that way with a bunch of other stuff too. I’m getting more organized, but life changes enough that I have to keep reinventing how I keep things organized. It goes on and on.

Perhaps the real message here isn’t that I’ll never arrive, but that change is constant in a life that is still growing and lively. A sign of health is healthy change and development. My challenge in life is to become at ease with myself and the constant ambiguity of change. I doubt I’ll ever love it, but maybe I can at least take it in stride.

Waiting for her to Arrive

When I was a kid, my mom and dad would take us on road trips. We lived in Dowagiac, Michigan, but both my parents were from Illinois. They had lived in Lansing, Illinois for some time so we drove there a lot. When we were on these road trips I used to imagine that I would be looking at one of the other cars and would see a girl. Her eyes would lock with mine and we would both know that this was the one. I imagined the tragedy of being separated by two cars hurtling down the highway, and the effort of trying to find out who she was. Of course I eventually would (in my imagination) and it would be the perfect love.

I thought that the love of a woman would make me a better man. No, that’s not quite right. I thought that being in a relationship with the woman of my life would fix me. I had no idea what was wrong with me, but something didn’t seem right.

I also thought that the first time I kissed a girl I would have some sort of spiritual experience and suddenly everything would make sense.

I was girl crazy from about the age of 10 I think. Perhaps that’s exaggerating, but not much.

She never arrived. Not only that, my first kiss was fairly dull. It wasn’t the girls fault, but I was expecting way too much. I also didn’t have the first clue what to do. I’ll remember that date forever, especially since I had to throw up and only made it to the drinking fountain.

Every girl that I met and fell for that I thought would answer all of life’s mysteries . . . none of them was that mystery girl. They all were flawed people that I was using to try and feel good about myself. Just like I was trying to use God to suddenly evaporate any sense of confusion or doubt that I might have, I expected my relationship with a woman to take away any sense of inadequacy or self doubt.

I thought that it takes a woman to make a man. Unfortunately, all of those girls had some agenda to change me. I guess they were looking for the perfect guy.

I finally gave up looking. Shortly after that I noticed my wife. We had become best friends. I could talk to her about anything. We accepted each other at face value. Two imperfect people. She was interested in talking about what she was thinking and feeling about God. She was one of the best friends I had ever had. She still is. We’ll have been married for fifteen years this June. Two great kids, and the romance has only grown deeper. It turns out, for me at least, that it did take a woman to make a man. Over the last fifteen years, I’ve become a better man, because I love her and want to serve her the way Jesus would.

It wasn’t what I expected, but it has been far better than I could have imagined.

Adam

Waiting for Him to Arrive

I experience many years waiting to arrive or waiting for Him to arrive. I’m talking about that place in which everything would make sense, fit together, and I would get “it”. Then I also waited for God to show up. You know, I thought that there would come a point where He would get sick of waiting and finally dump Himself into my soul and take up residence. I thought that I would sense a palpable presence, and would be clearly guided each and every step of the way.

I never really arrived, and God never came along, unscrewed my scalp, and poured Himself inside. His spirit entered me at the moment I gave myself to Him, the moment of salvation, but I’ve been waiting for God to do God to me. I’ve been expecting some sort of passive thing, like me pouring pop into an empty glass.

I don’t want to confuse people. I believe that God poured His spirit into me when I became a Christian. What I realize is that God didn’t pour in all of the answers, or all of the maturity, or all of the Wisdom. He didn’t pour in His version of a heavenly GPS. “Apply for this job. Turn away from this relationship.”

Instead, like any real relationship, my relationship with God takes effort and persistence. I have to take time to read the Bible and talk to God. I’ve also found that I grow in my relationship with God when I sit and “meditate”. I don’t mean the chanting or humming thing, but taking something that I’ve read in the Bible and thinking it through. I engage my imagination with the scriptures. I think about what if I did that? How does God feel about . . . I wonder how . . . I even ask God questions about stuff that doesn’t make sense. It becomes something of a conversation.

Another cool thing is to study the history and culture surrounding the times when the Bible was written. It adds color and depth to some of the idiomatic sayings. No effort produces immediate results. It’s a gradual growing relationship. It takes work, but it’s worth every moment spent.

I’ve also discovered that the process of working through problems and issues is almost more important than the final decision. I believe God rejoices over me when I am trying to live a life for Him. Just like falling is part of how we learn to walk, mistakes are part of learning to live in a relationship with God.

I have this opportunity to become friends with the creator of the universe.

That’s intense, and way cool.

I want it.

Adam

Turning Invisible

Do you ever feel invisible? Some times I feel like I could walk through a room and no one would see me. I’ve done it. The people in the room pulse around me laughing, chattering about something, but I can’t tell what. Frankly, I don’t get small talk. Small talk doesn’t mean a whole lot to me.

Is there really a point to talking about the weather? I don’t watch enough TV to carry on much of a conversation. I don’t know (and don’t care) about sports, and I get bored with video games. So there are times when I purposely turn invisible. I really get peoples attention when I have something silly to say or I’m at work discussing job related stuff. But, what about relationships. Well, get me in the guys in Sojourn and BANG I’m opaque. No longer invisible.

Chatter, chatter, chatter. There is no longer a problem with what to talk about. The problem is keeping the talk to a minimum so that we can get some rehearsing, songwriting, or recording done.

Maybe all of that is o.k. I think it is. Maybe it’s not important to always have something to say. Don’t you feel like you should always have the right thing to say? I think that it’s o.k.

In the Bible in Ecclesiastes 5:3 it says “For as a dream comes with a multitude of cares, so a fool's speech with a multitude of words.” Silence is often golden. It is often more wise to say nothing, when I force myself to have something to say it just sort of sounds dopey or odd or useless. Usually, I feel like I want to talk so that I can feel like I have something to say too. I want to count as some one like the others and have something to say or so that I can feel like a normal person who knows how to chat.

Well, that’s more of an issue with misunderstanding who I am in God’s eyes, and a misperception of what makes me important. I want to learn to be comfortable in my own skin, to be comfortable whether I have something to say or not. I need to get to the point where it’s o.k. to be invisible.

What are your thoughts?

AdamSojourn
http://www.sojournband.com
Remember to vote for our song "Here With Me" on the Indieheaven radio charts at http://www.indieheaven.com/go.idh?section=radiochart

Just Walk Away?

I met some one who had just become a Christian a couple of years ago. She was really excited. Everything was new. She joined a church, got baptized, and started meeting with another lady in her church to learn more about the Bible and who God is. She came from a tough background and hadn't grown up around churches, but her home church welcomed her. People looked out for her welfare, helped her one they could, and on one occassion stood up to some guys that were harrasing her. Her church had become her family. Never in weird or repressive way, but in a really positive enriching way. It was family in a way that she hadn't had when she was growing up.

It all was great until she met a guy that really sparked her interest. Suddenly she had reasons to not be at church. In fact she had "moved in with a friend". When asked if she was having a pre-marital relationship with the guy, she blew up, and claimed that no one trusted her.

And that was it.

I haven't seen her since. There have been some terse letters, but this person has essentially vanished. I wonder if she has walked away from God as well? Or did she ever know Him deap in her heart? That question is a difficult one to answer, and since I'm not inside her head, I can't tell you what she's thinking.

I can tell you that I've known guys that lived criminal lives. When they came to Christ, the change was dramatic. Leave crime, come to Christ. Easy to see the changes there. Then I know people that were really really nice even when they weren't Christians. Even for them, when they came to Christ, I could see or sense a change. Their conversation, their atitude, sometimes it's just a vibe that you get from them.

I never got that from this woman. Looking back, it was too easy for her to walk away from her church family, and the deap supportive relationships that had built up around her. It was as if they were all place holders and there was no glue to keep things fixed together. Every relationship needs a bond to keep it from getting pulled apart.

If was too easy for her to dodge the questions. Too easy for her to cast the blame any where else but at her own feet. No need for repentance or forgiveness that way.

If you are a Christian, God's spirit is inside you guiding you. God's spirit helps you "see" or experience God in His beauty and desireableness as well as His Holiness, justice, love, etc. As a believer experiences this relationship with God, a hunger grows to know Him more. Duty (or ought to) is replaced by desire (or want to). In some Christians it's a process measured in inches and others grown in 10 mile bursts, but you can see the change, and the desire. Some one can fail over and over, but if I see true repentance, and a heart that yearns to know God, I see life. It's the person that walks away, shruggs off the concerns and says, "Hey, I'm o.k. what's the problem". That person makes me wonder if God was ever at work in their heart at all?

We don't ignore the things we desire. We never walk away from the things we really want.

What are your desires, and where are they taking you?

I'ld love to hear your comments. You can add them at the end of this post.

Adam
Sojourn
http://www.sojournband.com
Remember to vote for our song "Here With Me" on the Indieheaven radio charts at http://www.indieheaven.com/go.idh?section=radiochart

Ever Wanted to Want What You Don't Want?

What's the first thing that goes through your mind when you get up in the morning?

I start bargining with myself for at least another 30 min. of shut eye. Then I start talking myself out of using a vacation day and going back to bed. Maybe I'm sick today? No I'm not sick. Then finally, I drag myself out of bed wondering why I couldn't have been a professional singer after all? Oh that's right, I didn't want to be on the road and go broke. At least I could sleap-in or maybe sleap on the bus. Blah, blah, blah.

I make it to work, and at some point I'm with it and start digging what I'm doing.

So, I've run across this part in Psalms in the Bible where the Psalmist says something like, "Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love for I have put my trust in You."

Here is a go that is so into God that the first thing on his mind when he wakes up is God! At first that might sound kooky or abnormal, but as I've started to think more, I bet NOT thinking about God is what is really kooky or abnormal. Do the sanity check, if you are in love, I mean LUUUUUUUUUUV with some one, the are on your mind big time. It doesn't have to be a boy/girl thing either. What if you have a really good friend who has been with you through everything. You might think of that person a lot. Or what if you a 18 year old and you away from home for the first time, living on your own or in college. Let's say that you were really close to your dad. Really close. You're going to think about him a lot. Something inside you is going to hurt with his absence. Something in you won't quite feel right until you can talk on the phone, e-mail, letter or better yet visit.

So, God is our heavenly Father, and offers to have a relationship with us. Reality check: God is the perfect father. Absolutely loving. Absolutely just. You know the drill. He made all of the cool looking stuff in outerspace, and all of the animals here on earth. He has a sense of humor and He's smart. So what's not to really dig about God.

Ofcourse the Paslm writer was geeked out and digging knowing God. How could he feel otherwise. So, I want that. I want to want God that bad. I know Him. I know what he is like, but it's really easy to ignore Him. It's getting better. I'm growing closer to Him, but if my relationship to God were a measure of how good I am at friendship. . . I don't make much of one.

Having a relationship with God is hard. He's invisible and mysterious, and all that. Yet, as I get closer and see glimpses into the His heart, I'm stunned and awed and drawn in desiring Him. It sounds a little weird to say it, and I'm not sure what comes next, but I know that I want to want Him more, and will spend my life in pursuit of knowing Him.

Later,

Adam