Waiting for me to Arrive

I used to think . . . o.k. I still fight these kinds of thoughts. So, sometimes I still think that at some point, I’ll learn enough about the world around me that life will make more sense. There must be some point where I can take all changes in stride and make the best decisions. If I can amass enough data, it would seem possible.

I’m very autistic in that regard. Actually, I really am Asperger, but that’s another story.

I struggle with ambivalence in my life. I want life to be filled with definites, and solvable problems. O.K., so no duh on this one. Life is a series of curved shapes that somewhat blend into each other, and unless you’re graduating from school or quitting a job, one situation often doesn’t quite end before another one sort of starts.

Take self doubt for an example. I really got twisted up in my brain in junior high. Basically trash talked myself into the ground. It took a long time to work out if thinking very poorly of myself. But, hey! That was a long time ago, right? And not too long ago. And recently. It’s the whole onion thing. I thought that I had gotten past thinking that I was a failure and doubting everything that I did, until a new situation in life comes around and I have to start over. I build my confidence up at work and am getting close to feeling like I might be conquering that one when something happens at church that brings that self doubt monster roaring out again at church. It could be several different some things. I’m preaching more at church these days, and I’m starting to feel a little more confident dong that, but not completely yet. I still feel compelled to ask my wife a couple times, “Did it stink?”, and then later “So would you say that my preaching was o.k.?”

So I’m not completely confident as a preacher yet. So, in Sunday school I need a musician to help with singing and can’t find any, so I start playing keyboard while I lead the singing. I’m doing o.k., but I must be crazy to try that. Then I decide to write a song to help the kids memorize the 23rd Psalm. I have to force myself to NOT ask the kids, “Hey, is the awful or o.k.”

I am getting better at self doubt, but as long as I’m willing to risk failure, constantly trying new things, and facing/ignoring my fears, I will never arrive at perfect confidence. It’s that way with a bunch of other stuff too. I’m getting more organized, but life changes enough that I have to keep reinventing how I keep things organized. It goes on and on.

Perhaps the real message here isn’t that I’ll never arrive, but that change is constant in a life that is still growing and lively. A sign of health is healthy change and development. My challenge in life is to become at ease with myself and the constant ambiguity of change. I doubt I’ll ever love it, but maybe I can at least take it in stride.