Seasons - Part 2

Eb and flow
Seasons
Each in turn
Blessings and trials
Bound together
Pave the road ahead

I've been blessed with such an exceptional marriage. My wife is loving and supportive. Our relationship is both romantic and collegial. I love my children. My kids are also my friends. I absolutely enjoy spending time with them. My family is a rich blessing in my life.
I've experienced a fair amount of Chronic pain over the last three years. A mild case of Fibromyalgia. In that regard I live in a continuum from discomfort to pain throughout the joints in my body. It robs me of sleep.

Both of those experiences form the road of my life like the cobblestones in a country lane. I would never have chosen chronic pain or a sleep problems as a character building experience, but looking back it has made me a stronger man.

I lost energy, endurance, and freedom in many ways when I started having pain (at the same time I started struggling with allergies and sleep abnormalities). I went through a year of a growing self-pity. At that point I was doing Sojourn full time. I was going to make it into a full time, income-producing venture. I made some money from it, but never enough to cover expenses, and over two years consistently operated in the red.

I was so angry with God, I used to scream at Him. "Don't you care what happens to me? Aren't I trying to serve you with Christian music?" I railed at god. The truth is I wanted to be famous and wealthy. At an even deeper level I wanted to prove to all the people that mocked my desire to be a musician that I am somebody.

It all fell through.

My brother Kerry just sent me this quote,
"I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done." Henry Ford

Throughout my life I have set very high standards for myself, and rarely met them. In fact I often fall very short o them. Most of the time I have been trying to do the right thing, but ended up being wrong. Other times I thought that I was doing what God wanted, but approached it with a self centered attitude (or maybe was wrong again). Other times I've goofed.

My mind seems to capture a list, a litany of failure that looms large in my self image.
The quote from Henry Ford describes people who innovate, accomplish new things, or improve on current things. Thomas Edison "invented" the light bulb. No one could convince him that it couldn't be done. He failed 100 times.

". . . Lincoln was a partner in a grocery store that failed, leaving him with a heavy burden of debt. " http://www.us-civilwar.com/lincoln.htm

These men are not viewed as failures. They achieved big, and the failed big.
Individuals who achieve great things need to feel free to fail. Fail 99 times before succeeding. We all also need to change our definition of success. The measuring stick of money, power, and fame, are empty.

As you've seen in other posts, I'm on the other side of numerous life changing failures and struggles. I'm starting to see them differently. I see that god uses all things in my life for His glory (Romans 8:28), and I'm also seeing that God has not left me to the whim of chance. "A man plans his own ways, but the Lord orders his steps" (where is that one in the Bible?).
It's not enough to say God can use my mistakes for His glory. Instead, I say, that as I seek God, He will teach and develop me through experiences of both pain and pleasure. Thomas Edison was sincerely trying to do a good thing, and failed. Those failures gave him information that he used to succeed.

So, as the journey continues, I want to be free to fail, and to learn from the failure. Not so that I will be timid about trying, but so that I will have the wisdom to attempt new things more effectively.

The journey continues.

Adam