Today I Cursed God

I've never done that before. Not like I did today. I just poured out. Not a string of curse words, just a single two word phrase, and I said it with invective.

I'm not even sure if that's correct word usage. Saying it with invective. But this is a blog, so I can make up words and use them if I want to.

I had an experience that shook me to the core. For a day, I stared at God in disbelief. Unwilling to believe that He could allow what He had allowed to happen.

I don't remember much else of what I said. I'm sure I said something like "How could you do this to me!?" Then, to add to it I got angry all over again about the chronic pain of fibromyalgia and the frustration of Asperger syndrome, and I could feel the frustration building up in me like Mentos and a Diet Pepsi. Just at the moment of critical pressure the cap exploded off and I cursed God.

I immediately thought of Job, who had learned of the death of all of his children, and the complete loss of his entire business. Then to top it off, Job came down with a painful case of boils all over his body.

Job was a tough act though. He scraped the boils with a scrap piece of pottery, and then sat in a pile of ashes. The ashes was to signify sorrow and repentance. You remember the saying, "sack cloth and ashes". His wife saw him there being noble and she said (I'll paraphrase), screw your integrity, just curse God and die!

You can read the actual account in the Bible in the section called, "Job". Job didn't curse God, but he struggled to come to grips why God had allowed such evil to befall him.

I didn't experience one little sliver of what Job had to go through, but there I was practically flipping God off. I'm disappointed in myself actually. I say that I'm willing to live and die for Christ, but when He allows some extreme disappointment and hurt to enter my life, I turn on Him like a made dog.

I had been thinking how much I had grown spiritually lately. I have actually. My perspective is changing, and it is a rich and rewarding experience. That said, God gave me a glimpse into an ugly cesspool, that I had careful kept concealed from myself: I don't trust God to be good to me. In fact, I actually expect God not to do anything in my life. My faith is growing, my trust in God's sovereignty, and my sense of adoration and wonder is in its healthy infancy. My sense of enthusiastic trust is quite missing.

In the back of my mind was the motto: If at first you don't succeed, try and fail, try and fail again. So, when one of the rocks that I place my trust in was swept away from me this week, I was left with only God to trust in, and I was shaken to the core.

The drama and heartache of that day was resolved by that evening. Resolved completely, yet my emotions and intellect are still smarting from the experience.

How do I desire God above all else? I want such a desire.

How can God come to be the one and only rock, the foundation of my life? I want Him to be.

How can I trust God at all times, regardless of what circumstances He allows into my life. I believe that the Bible is true, and it says to trust in God with all my heart. That means, when the worst possible circumstance is sprung upon me, God is allowing it for my good and His ultimate glory.

I know those things, and believe them to be true, but I don't presently live inside them. That implicit trust hasn't become an integral part of my grid through which I view the world. My paradigm.

Time for a paradigm shift.